We are still searching.

Searching for the words.
Searching for the words to say the adoption did not work out.
Searching for the strength to take down the baby crib and pack up all the baby stuff we collected.
Searching for the answers that may never come.

Within a matter of days from my last post, we got the phone call. Our social worker told us the process was halted because the birthfather came forward and did not agree to the adoption. He was “allowed” to disagree because he had been financially supporting the birthmother throughout her pregnancy (a VERY important detail that was previously NOT shared with our social worker). And that was it. Just like that, Baby M was no longer Baby M and he went back to the birthmother. We could do nothing to refute. It was over.

With gut-wrenching pain in our hearts, we went home and wept with the heaviest sadness we’ve ever experienced.

There are a lot of things I do not know or understand, but I do know this – we are surrounded by the most loving, most giving, most supportive community of friends and family in the entire universe. From the day we got the phone call that we were “officially chosen” to now – our community has cried, celebrated, hustled to get us baby stuff, prayed strength for us, held us up when our bodies were weak with sadness, gave us a place of respite to run away from our reality, gifted a cooking class, wrote the sweetest cards and letters, made us dinner and so, so, so much more.

photo 3For us, these past two months have NOT been filled with sadness like I expected. No, they have been filled with laughter, with love, with smiles and with hugs. Sure, no one really has the right words to say, but they don’t need to. Where Jay & I may be tempted to waiver in our faith…in God and in good during this time, you guys have stepped in with YOUR faith to remind us of God’s love for us and of His goodness – lifting us up and redeeming us day by day.

This time of year is always difficult for us and this year is no different. We so desperately want to send our OWN holiday cards with our OWN cute little kiddo on it. We thought this year would be THE year. And because it wasn’t, it took me a lot longer to get into the “holiday spirit”.

I’m here now though. I’m here – not focusing on the things I do not have, but rejoicing and celebrating the things that I do:

  • photo 1I have a husband who surprises me and loves me every day, despite my MANY shortcomings.
  • I have the WORLD’S GREATEST family (on both sides!) who love & support us in the most amazing ways.
  • I have the FUNNIEST, most UNBELIEVABLE group of friends who really KNOW me and love me despite it all.
  • I am surrounded by the most ridiculously generous community of people who are ready to stand with us and for us in times of happiness AND sadness.
  • I have a Heavenly Father who created me, who knows me better than all, who hurts when I hurt and who is holding me – despite my unbelief. He loves me still.

In this third week of Advent, we are to focus on Joy. Today I choose Joy. I choose to not focus on presents but to BE PRESENT.

To be present with MY people. My people who have enveloped me with an overwhelming love every day for the past few months. A love that I hope to mirror each day.

“Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, ‘Be strong, do not fear’…They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away…” Isaiah 35: 3, 4, 10

photo 2

We are still searching.
We are still searching for answers that may never come.
We are still searching for the “next steps” to take.

We may still be searching…
But in it all…we are not alone.
Thank you for being “my people” and thank you for loving us the way you do.


It’s that love – that ultimately is God’s love – that keeps us smiling and keeps us joyful in good times and bad.

8 thoughts on “Searching…

  1. Lorena

    My heart aches for you in a way words cannot explain. Having gone through a similar experience less than two years ago, I can relate to the strange feeling of grieving the loss of a child who is living. I know we’ve never met, but please know that I am praying for you and your husband as you continue to heal.


  2. John & Donna Masanotti

    Our hearts are indeed deeply saddened for you both. Your faith, family & friends are a pillar of strength for you and your greatest gifts of grace. I believe God wants to give you the desire of your hearts…in His perfect timing.
    Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
    We love you both and will continue to pray.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s